Do I even have readers anymore? I mean, really. My blogging has been absent and erratic as of late. Trying to juggle this mom life, fit life, and blog life has been difficult. I can tell you the blogging and fitness has fallen wayside. Long story short, I’ve been trying to keep myself sane and be a decent mother. It leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. I’m still struggling with the PPA and PPD. I’m always on edge; but handle it better on some days than others. I do find I am better able to cope when I can fit some sort of exercise within the day. I read an article that if you struggle with anxiety that you should cut caffeine out of your diet. UH, do you mean coffee? Do you want me to go postal?! As SP has been saying lately, “No way, Jose!” Hubby will attest that I am not a nice person until I’ve had a few sip of coffee. I cannot function without coffee. (You can blame my grandmother on that one. As a toddler, she would put a splash of coffee in my milk. I always remember my grandmother with a cup of coffee in her hand and I wanted to be just like her. FYI, my grandparents spoiled me rotten.) I’ve been going back and forth to my grandmother’s here recently. The woman drinks 3-4 POTS of coffee a day! I limit myself to 3 cups a day. Anyway, that is one solution to reducing my anxiety that I will not follow.
Last Wednesday, I didn’t blog because I had an appointment with a new therapist. I quit seeing the previous one because: 1) Her schedule was extremely limited. She booked up two months in advance and then cancel your appointment. I felt like I was waiting all the time to see her. 2) When I would see her, I felt like she hadn’t been listening at all. I was always having to re-explain things to her. Things that I felt she should have reviewed before we met. 3) She never offered coping suggestions. I left feeling just as hopeless as before I came. So, I took a therapy break to look for someone else. Wednesday night, I met with a new therapist. Because it was our first meeting, she had “get to know me” questions, which resulted in her asking more questions, and before we knew it, it was two hours later. To say that I was mentally and emotionally exhausted was an understatement. I couldn’t wait to go to bed. I did enjoy our meeting though. We set up short term goals to accomplish and she commented on giving me homework to do. PPD, and depression in general, is hard to live with. You don’t want to feel this way. You wish you could “just snap out of it”. But that’s not how it works. I follow several postpartum support groups on Facebook. I continued to see posts about PPA and PPD and women suggesting to watch the documentary on Netflix called When The Bough Breaks. Y’all, that documentary hit me hard. It made me realize how severe my first few months were, how much I really needed help during those times…and there wasn’t help to be found. Actually, it made me realize how strong I am; because I thought hard about ending the pain. I watched the documentary in hopes to find more information on resources to help my PPD. Instead, I found a way to help my husband understand what I’ve been going through. So, if you know someone who is struggling with PPA/PPD and want to understand what they are going through, watch When The Bough Breaks. It will open your eyes to the internal turmoil someone with PPA/PPD goes through.
I try to focus on one day at a time. Some days are overwhelming and I struggle to cope. Like last week, when I realized I had forgotten LB’s PKU formula in the warmer at the house and we were already 30 minutes away at gymnsatics. I was so upset. It took everything I had not to be a total emotional mess in front of everyone. The entire hour, I couldn’t concentrate on SP’s gymnastic practice because I was thinking of all the consequences my failure could cause. Surprise, he lived! He not only drank that formula, but ate his 6pm meal, and final nighttime bottle without issue. I have to keep in mind, mistakes happen. Plus, when I’m not taking care of myself mentally; these type of mistake happen more frequent. Then there are other days when I do find that joyful spark in motherhood. Like when LB gets so tickled at his sister snorting like a pig, when I look over at them and they are snuggled together, holding hands, or like today as I dropped off SP at her Jr. Engineer Train camp, she gives LB and I big hugs and kisses and tells us she loves us before she heads into the classroom. Those are the moments I find joy and peace in.
I don’t know what God’s plans are for us. I still don’t understand why God chose for LB to have PKU. I can’t even imagine what good will come of it; but I have to keep faith that there will be good from it.
Next week I will have some healthy supper ideas for you. That is one thing I’ve been up too. Cooking healthy meals again and eating less takeout.