Sunday I finally went back to church. I had not been since August, so about 6 months. I originally quit going because I was on unofficial bed rest. I was showing signs of pre-term labor at around 35 weeks. The midwife told me to immediately lay down when Braxton Hicks contractions began. Well, showering brought on BH contractions. I tried several times to get ready for church, but each time contractions began. Hubby and SP always ended up going without me. Once LB was born, I knew I wouldn’t be going to church until he was vaccinated at 3 months. Church completely fell off the radar after LB’s PKU diagnosis. Honestly, if I could have, I would have just hidden LB and I in a dark hole forever. Every time I hear someone comment on how “healthy” looking he is; it feels like a punch in the gut. At least now I don’t awkwardly say “yeah” and run away to my car before I burst into tears. I still have a hard time verbalizing his PKU without crying. I am finally gaining more control over the depression. I don’t want to back slide and every time I have to bring up his PKU, that happens. It’s just so difficult for me to explain to people about PKU when I know they won’t understand or to hear comments about his healthy appearance. I know people don’t mean anything negative from their comments, but it still hurts.
A few posts ago, I shared that I’ve felt like God has abandoned me to suffer alone in this postpartum depression. A friend suggested that maybe God is just carrying me through it silently and on His own time. I’ve also been doing a sort of motherhood bible study with a friend. Through discussions with her, she talked about keeping myself open to God, to listen for Him. I always listen to a Christian music station on iTunes while driving SP to school. Natalie Grant’s King of the World came on. SP began asking me questions about the song. Of course, I was answering her to the best of my ability. The questions she asked were so mature. On the way back from school she began asking questions about the song Fierce by Jesus Culture. Questions such as, “Why do they say Jesus’ love is like a hurricane? Why does Jesus love us so much?” All of these questions requiring thought provoking and mature answers. Answers that made me think and question the silence I thought I was experiencing. Then it hit me, maybe I was so angry at God; that I was refusing to listen. Back to the topic of church, while in Sunday School we talked about how to keep to our faith through difficult times and how to keep open communication with God through times of adversity.
So, I was wrong. God has been talking. I just haven’t been listening. And I’m going to change that.