Sayonara, 2016

I would be lying if I said I was sad to see 2016 end. It kept delivering punch after punch. Every time there was an ounce of happiness in a situation, some negativity appeared to squash happy out.

That seems to be the general consensus from everyone else too. I haven’t read one positive status or post about 2016.

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For me, the year began on an awful note. We were undecided about having another child. We decided to just let things happen until December. If we were not pregnant by December, we would stop trying and move on. Meanwhile, I would train to jump horses for 2016 Spring. December came and there wasn’t a baby. So, I mentally and emotionally dealt with us only having one child. I focused on my horse show season coming up. As you can imagine I was shocked to find out I was pregnant mid-January. I was disappointed after training so intensely to fulfill my childhood dream. So, I emotionally process a new baby on the way and ending my show season. Ok, that’s fine. I’m pressing on. I’ll pick up the horses after baby comes. A couple of months later, SP is diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. Then, unexpectedly my husband’s grandfather passes away. If that wasn’t enough, I ride the rollercoaster of emotion and stress to find out SP ages out of a therapy program for SPD. She doesn’t qualify for another therapy program because she doesn’t appear handicapped enough by SPD. The day before her third birthday, I find out shocking news regarding her trusted pre-school program. We take her out of school. We have a fall out with our church. I have to quit my gym membership to watch SP. We find out baby is a boy. Finally, a moment of happiness. We have a couple of emotionally stable months by keeping busy and visiting the beach. I prepare for a low key, midwife led birth center birth. We finally find SP another pre-school we are comfortable with. We have beautiful maternity pictures. Maybe things are looking up! BAM! Stress creeps in. Two of the midwives create stress about our birth plan. I have pre-term labor signs that creates more stress to the birth plan. And finally, the day comes! I’m in labor! We are finally meeting this baby boy on his due date. The labor was euphoric and perfect. SP was amazed and stepped into her big sister role beautifully. Four days of perfect bliss for us. On the fifth, I was emotionally shattered with LB’s PKU diagnosis. I’ve been slowly picking up the pieces ever since. Most I cannot even find and probably never will. I’ve been navigating the rough waters of post-partum depression ever since. Everything overshadowed by fear, insecurity, and uncertainty. Simple tasks bring me to tears and anger always bubbling at the rim.

And that was 2016 in a nutshell for us. I like to draw out pro/con lists. If you drew a good/bad moments list for 2016; bad would definitely out weigh good. So, here I am on the second day of 2017 with my tiny bucket of emotional stability running low on faith, hope, and positivity. I know this post is a lot to absorb. But this is me, everyday. No mask pretending I have this perfect life without negativity.

2017 can only be better, right? Stay tuned for my Wednesday post on my plan to improve 2017.

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