Exposed

I haven’t been very vocal about my post-partum depression (PPD). I am still struggling with it…More like I am in a fog of anxiety and drowning in the waters of depression. I’ve fought with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I am incredibility good at wearing masks to hide it. I try to be honest in my blog. I tend to write about subjects that are not often said or may be considered unpopular to acknowledge. However, I haven’t been transparent about my PPD. I was finally able to see a therapist and was prescribed Zoloft. This is after struggling with fear, anger, and uncontrollable crying for a month. I knew I needed help. Now that I am on Zoloft, I’m able to handle my anxiety and depression a bit better. Yet, I still cry at the drop of a hat, my anger is easily triggered, and my patience is shorter than ever. At least I am able to somewhat function now. Basically, I feel like I am failing as a mother and wife. I try to keep my emotional “shit” together for the kids and husband. I haven’t been doing a good job at that at all. My temper has been exceptionally short with SassyPants. I try to be understanding with her sensory disorder, tell myself she is just three, and trying to push the boundaries. And the fact that I feel annoyed with her so much makes me feel worse. I know I’ve been the same with my husband. To top it all off, I haven’t been as organized and planned. Cleaning is usually therapeutic for me, but even that hasn’t been working. 

With all of these feelings swarming around in me, I’ve been listening to three songs by Plumb on repeat. The first is “In My Arms” : Your baby blues/ So full of wonder/ Your curly Qs/ Your contagious smile/ And as I watch/ You start to grow up/ All I can do is hold you tight/ {Chorus: Knowing clouds will raise up/Storms will race in/But you will be safe in my arms/Rains will pour down/Waves will crash all around/But you will be safe in my arms}/ Story books full of fairy tales/ Kings and queens and the bluest skies/ My heart is torn just in knowing/ You’ll someday see the truth from lies/ {Chorus}/ Castles they might crumble/ Dreams may not come true/ But you are never all alone/ Because I will always/ Always love you/ {Chorus}

This song speaks to me as a mother. It is part of why I feel like I am failing. I always want to be there for my kids, to protect them. Yet, I feel like I am constantly hurting my daughter’s feelings. I know one day my daughter will not be as forgiving when I snap at her for just wanting to spend time with and help me. I want both of the kids to know that I do love them. However, I understand that actions speak volumes over words. Right now, my actions and words need to speak more love. And I’m struggling do that. That is what anxiety and depression does to you. It makes you feel like your family would be better off without you in the picture. You are a constant screw up. That maybe the best thing you could do is run away from your problems. 

The second song is “Lord, I’m Ready Now” : I just let go/ And I feel exposed/ But it’s so beautiful/ Cause this is who I am/ I’ve been such a mess/ But now I can’t care less/ I could bleed to death/ {Chorus: Oh Lord I’m ready now/All the walls are down/Time is running out/And I wanna make this count/I ran away from you/And did what I wanted to/But I don’t wanna let you down/Oh Lord I’m ready now/Lord I’m ready now}/ I was so caught up/ In who I’m not/ Can you please forgive me?/ {Chorus}/ I’ve nothing left to hide, no/ No reason’s left to lie/ Give me another chance/ {Chorus}

Through the PPD, my faith has faltered. I’ve distanced myself from the Lord. I don’t understand why I am struggling with anxiety and depression during a time that should be happy with our new baby. Part of the reason for this post is to knock down my walls, to expose my struggles. I want this to help other mothers struggling with PPD or feelings of inadequacy. Motherhood is overwhelming. It is perfectly acceptable to admit to struggling with it. 

The third and final song is “Need You Now (How Many Times)” : Well, everybody’s got a story to tell/ And everybody’s got a wound to be healed/ I want to believe there’s beauty here/ ‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on/ I can’t let go, I can’t move on/ I want to believe there’s meaning here/ {Chorus: How many times have you heard me cry out/”God please take this”?/How many times have you given me strength to/Just keep breathing?/Oh I need you/God, I need you now.}/ Standing on a road I didn’t plan/ Wondering how I got to where I am/ I’m trying to hear that still small voice/ I’m trying to hear above the noise/ {Chorus}/ Though I walk,/ Though I walk through the shadows/ And I, I am so afraid/ Please stay, please stay right beside me/ With every single step I take/ {Chorus}/ I need you now/ I need you now

This song defines my feelings going through the PPD and other struggles. It is partly why my faith has faltered too. I’ve asked for God’s help so much through this and I feel like He is silent. I am angry with His silence. I can tell you I haven’t found the beauty in this struggle. I haven’t found the meaning in this struggle. I can only believe God is with me, strengthening me. 

There is much more to the PPD and why I am struggling with it. But I am freeing myself by not hiding it anymore. I am being transparent with my struggles. Right now, I am struggling with motherhood. And that is ok. I pray the Lord will show me the meaning and beauty for this struggle. I also hope this post helps break the unpopular opinion on PPD. I’m not the only one that tries to hide struggling with it. PPD should be talked about. It shouldn’t go untreated. I am fortunate to have support from my friends and my husband to ease the PPD. They have no idea how much they have helped me. 

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