Marbles & Emotions

I am fairly certain my husband thinks I have lost all my marbles. Lately, he will explain or tell me something to do and I completely forget the details. Just today, I knew there was something I needed to do, that he explained to me. I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was though, just that it involved paying a bill with a check. Also, I remembered we ran out of checks, so we have some ordered; however, the delivery date is uncertain. I had to text him to explain, again, what I was supposed to be doing. Something about paying a bill with a check, but not having any; and who was I supposed to be paying. Yeah, I totally had the whole explanation wrong. I am supposed to contact our photographer for our maternity session this weekend to bill us through her online billing system; because the checks wouldn’t be here. Oh yeah, that was it! Why couldn’t I remember that?!  Y’all I am 34/35 weeks pregnant, and I think my brain cells are dying as each week passes. At least my husband is getting some good laughs…or really annoyed. Actually, this month of August holds some big changes to our normal schedule. The kiddo tries a new pre-school, her therapy day and time has changed, she begins formal gymnastic classes on a different day and time from summer camp, and so on and so on. We’re also gearing up for the baby’s arrival. Although I have 5-6 weeks to go, we know baby could come earlier than that. All of these changes scare me, because I’ve been so absent minded; what if I forget the kid at school or forget to take her somewhere. I would feel terrible!

Speaking of feeling terrible and stressed. I watched Mom’s Night Out last night because I wanted something light-hearted and funny. It turned into more of “OMG, that’s my life!” and eating a pint of Rocky Road ice cream. I identify with Allyson a lot more than I thought. Not only are we “mommy bloggers”, but I am an epic clean freak-uber-stresser. My husband has to give me little motivational “you’re awesome” pep-talks all the time…while I am hiding in my closet, laundry room, or pantry crying and eating. (Especially with this pregnancy…I’m so emotional!) Motherhood just doesn’t come naturally to me. Unlike Allyson, my dream was never to become a mother or a wife. So, I feel like I fall short on a constant basis. I struggle with the demands everyday. However, you put me in a demanding office atmosphere with a task to do; and you will see me in my zone. I will have that office structured, running at max efficiency, and delivering a premium service or product in no time. It is part of the reason I run my house the way I do. We have schedules and organization to help me do everything I need to and minimize my stress. Which doesn’t seem to be working lately. While I try to rely on God to guide me and help me cope; I cannot help but to feel like I want to run away. Which in turn makes me feel guilty. And let’s face it, I can’t physically run…I would have to waddle. I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve cried today, feeling overwhelmed, and wanting to lose my temper with everyone.

I’m sure my lack of sleep, the constant aches and pains of pregnancy, and dealing with a SPD toddler is making me feel more upset than usual. Sometimes I think, if I just had a friend to go hang out with every once in a while, would help; but in reality it wouldn’t. It is why I am a lone wolf in this world of mothering. It is hard to find someone who understands I cannot just drop my schedule to do things, that I have to plan things out for my daughter. I almost have to prep her for the new situation with new sensations to help her cope. I will write a post explaining SPD to give y’all insight. Because of that, I find it difficult maintaining friendships. My introverted tendencies do not help either.

Here I am in all of my lonely glory, trying to find my path through this dense forest of life called motherhood, and feeling like I am face-planting the floor every second without a map.

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