Knowing Us

Here is a funny for you & insight on the husband and I’s relationship dynamic: I am at the point of pregnancy where I get up to potty at least once every night (but more like 2-3 times). My husband enjoys drinking sweet tea right until we go to bed, making him get up to potty at least once (but more like 2-3 times). So, yesterday about 3am, I wake up really needing to potty. I’m half asleep, stiff hips, waddling across our (what seems in the moment) lengthy bedroom to the bathroom, fussing with the pocket door to get into the bathroom, and suddenly there is a “giant” standing next to me helping with the door. The giant nearly scares the pee, that I am so desperately holding in, out. Luckily I’m able to figure out that “giant” is my husband and retain the pee. He needed to potty too. I potty, wash my hands, and make my way back to bed. As I reach the bed, the light over the shower (just enough light to help you see to potty, but not too intrusive to sleepy eyes) shuts off. The husband is clearly in mid-stream and turns on the light right over the toilet (very intrusive). I think, “Wow, how did reach the shower light switch (on a different wall) just to turn on the toilet light next to him?!” He climbs back into bed and grumpily says, “That was mean. I really hate it when you do that.” At the same time I ask, “How did you switch lights and still pee?”  We were confused and he said, “You turned the light off on me and I didn’t like it!” I tried to let it go, because he was obviously upset. But I couldn’t! I didn’t touch that light switch; it didn’t turn off until I was at the bed. I told him this. Now, I am laying in bed, wide awake, obsessing over 3 thoughts…and this is the funny part: 1) I’ve totally lost my mind, because I don’t remember touching that light. And I thought I was climbing into bed as it turned off. 2) Maybe the bulb blew out and now the light switch could be on, giving electricity to a burned out bulb. Could it get hot enough to spark and cause a fire? 3) Was I so tired that I walked past an intruder, who is standing there about to torture and kill us? Do I have time to get a weapon? Who is the intruder going to kill first? Probably the husband…he is a big guy, the biggest threat. I would be most likely tortured and raped…but at least I could fight and get to a weapon. I should lay here, playing it cool just in case. So, a couple of minutes have passed, the husband doesn’t sound a sleep. So, I casually say, “I think the light bulb blew. Maybe I should check it.” The husband turns on his lamp and gets up to check it. Well, there isn’t an intruder in the room. There goes thought number 3 with total relief. He says, “Whew, thank goodness! The light blew.” As he was climbing in bed he says, “Man, I thought you were being a real meanie and turned off the light. Or after two years in Savannah, I was finally experiencing some ghost activity.” Uh, really, husband?! THAT was your thought process?! I’m mean or a ghost has moved in?!  Thanks a lot! Then we immediately go right back to sleep.

So, there’s the funny part and the insight. Our thought processes are so different! I’m laying there thinking I am absolutely insane with memory loss, a fire could be started, or possibly about to get attacked. And my husband thinks I’m mean for turning the light off or a ghost did it. A GHOST, PEOPLE!  Now, this whole ordeal was realistically only 3 minutes long…but I’ve laughed about it quite a bit. It really sums up our relationship. I tend to obsessively think about situations, maybe let my imagination get a little creative, and want to investigate it to put my irrational thoughts/fears to rest. Yet, the husband is an engineer, a total numbers and rational thoughts type of guy. He is incredibly smart and has a very serious demeanor. Yet, he thinks a ghost is plausible. Or I am a mean wife, joking at an inappropriate time because sleep should be happening.

I will be the first to admit, if I like you, I will play around and joke; kinda like guys do. (Maybe that is why I always had more male friends then female; because I like low key, easy maintenance-free friendships. The female friends I do have, fit that criteria. We have an easily maintained, jovial friendship. My marriage reflects that too. I show my love and happiness to the husband by playing tricks on him or joking around. (However, I would NEVER turn the light out on him while he is peeing because I don’t want to clean up the “missed” mess. Not to say I wouldn’t flick it on and off, but not when we are in that state of tiredness. That’s just not nice and could be messy.) The husband also likes to joke around and tease me…to us, it is simple cute banter. That’s just us! Even at 3, our daughter likes to be silly and joke with us. Also, I feel like if you are knowledgeable about your insecurities and can laugh about them yourself; you’ve taken a lot of ammunition away from bullies. I wish I had been more easy going/carefree growing up; instead, I was an up-tight worry-wart about getting into any trouble. I didn’t know how to “let loose and be a kid” in fear of doing something that my parents would disapprove of or not being responsible enough. Because of that, I was an easy target for bullies; and the experience was rough.

As an adult, while I am still very structured, responsible, and a worrier; I do like to take it easy and have good-natured fun. The husband is the same way. I think that is what makes our marriage so easy. We just like to be near one another, not necessarily interacting. Once, we had a lady make a comment about us playing on our phones instead of talking to one another. My husband looked up at her, gave her “a look”, and went back to his phone. Without him ever saying a word, I knew what he wanted to say to this nosy lady. The lady went on and on about how young couples play on their phones, instead of conversing, and that’s why divorce is so high. I received a text from him saying exactly what I knew he wanted to say to her. Then, we sat there texting each other about how annoying this lady was. Our marriage is solid. We do communicate, just not in public 24/7. We’ve been known to sit on opposite sides of the couch and text each other silly memes too. He is around noise all day. I am around a noisy 3 year old all day. So, when we need silence and not talk…we do just that. Then, some days, we talk each others’ ears off. We already act like that super old, in sync couple at 29/30 yrs old and (nearly) 7 yrs of marriage (together for 10).

It hasn’t always been that way. I don’t want to mislead you into thinking we’ve always been great. Our first 4 years of marriage were rough and the word ‘divorce’ crept up numerous times. The thing about marriage is, you are merging two similar, yet different people/personalities together. While we may agree on core matters, we were raised totally different. With that comes disagreements. In our case, I was dealing with years of untreated anxiety, depression, and a nervous breakdown. Through counseling, I saw that I was emotionally and verbally abusive toward him. I needed to communicate better. And he did too. He saw that there were areas where he needed to work on being more responsible and change his communication ways. Realizing those two areas were difficulties for us, we were deliberate about changing those areas. Now, we’ve figured out the type of communication that works for us. We also keep each other accountable when we slump into some old ways that hurt the other. We’ve had time to mature together and break down walls that we took years to build. That is what makes our  marriage effortless and so great. I hope we show our kids what a healthy marriage and relationship looks like and that it is worth fighting for.

I am a huge advocate for counseling, whether it is individual or marriage. I think everyone could use an unbiased professional to talk to and help you relay your thoughts every once in awhile. We didn’t go to marriage counseling, but my individual counseling helped a lot. It is great being in sync with one another, basically reading each others’ minds, and making funny memories with each other.

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