DOMS ain’t no joke! What is DOMS? Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. There are a ton of hilarious memes about it. Basically, DOMS is painful muscle soreness that begins 24-48 hours after you workout. Yesterday, I was sore, mainly my legs; but nothing too bad. I woke up this morning like, “Whoa, it really hurts to move!” So, I took another day off from the gym. I think some of the extra soreness is due to the extra lifting of my toddler, stair climbing, and vacuuming I did yesterday. Oh well, it gave me time to work on my menu planning and finish reading the purposeful parenting book.
Book Review: Parenting With Purpose: How to Raise Well-Behaved Children and Build a Strong Parent-Child Relationship by Nina V. Garcia
I enjoyed reading this book. It provided me with some more insight on how to parent my daughter in a more calm manner. However, the book did not offer me some mind blowing, revolutionary information. It is broken up into three parts: Prevent misbehavior through connection / How to handle your child’s misbehavior / The post-conflict action plan. Then, two extra chapters on further explaining parenting with purpose and twenty actionable items you can do to achieve this. Each of the parts or chapters contain subcategories to further explain these concepts.
Most of the content I thought were “no duhs”. However, I was reminded that I parent differently than most. I began reading parenting books before becoming a parent was in my vision. That is one of the reasons why I tended to become so angry at mothers who would complain about their child’s bad behavior, but when offered advice on how to change that, would tell me to shut it because I didn’t have children. Well, I had studied plenty of material; yet this mom hadn’t even thought of reading a parenting book.
So, back to this book. Garcia’s first point is to connect with your child. As in, put down the phone, turn off the tv, and engage with your child. Garcia (and many leading child psychologists -Garcia is just an experienced mom-) agree that most children misbehave because they feel disconnected and want attention. That attention is met when they misbehave and you, the parent, then engage them by disciplining them. The cycle of a misbehaving child is born. Garcia offers some pointers on how to connect with your child and the boundaries that should be placed with that connection. Garcia then offers more ways to re-direct your child’s misbehavior, such as: the parent showing respect, teaching your child about emotions, defining expectations for your child’s behavior and enforce it, praise positive behavior, give your child responsibilities, and set a routine.
My child thrives on a routine. She knows what to expect every day. We wake up, eat breakfast, go to school (she has a routine at school), we come home, we snack, engage until nap at 2pm, after nap we snack again, then we engage more until I need to cook supper, she entertains herself until daddy comes home, we eat supper, she plays with daddy, then it is bed at 7:30. When school is out, I offer her some of the same things she does at school. Arts and crafts, playground time, and reading; then its back to our normal routine. Garcia explains the importance of having a simple routine for your child. She also explains a great concept of offering your child two choices to avoid the power struggle. Instead of making your child put on a coat that you choose, allow the child to pick from two coats, that way the task of wearing a coat isn’t a big deal.
In part two, there was one point of hers I did not agree with, and that was no time outs. She explains that time outs isolates the child during misbehavior, which sends the message that the parent doesn’t love him or her while misbehaving. I do not see it that way. When I put my daughter in time out for misbehaving, I have already asked her not to do whatever she was doing and that time out gives everyone a moment to calm down. For instance, my daughter got in the habit of hitting with toys. I began with telling her not to hit with the toy or it will be taken away for the day. A few minutes later, she hits me with the toy. I take it away. She throws a huge fit and begins to throw and hit with other toys. Well, that obviously angers me. Instead of yelling at her, I simply remove her from the situation into time out. I tell her she is in time out for 2.5 minutes (a minute per year of age) for throwing toys and hitting. I go where I can see her but she cannot see me. We both calm down in that 2.5 minutes. Then I tell her again why she was put into time out, that I love her, ask for an apology, and go back to playing. I don’t think that is sending the message that I don’t love her. Now, if I yelled, called her names, and threw her in her room for long periods of time; I could see the unloving message.
Other than that, I agreed with everything she said. I feel like the main point of the book is to stop being a lazy parent and engage with your child. Don’t expect your child to raise him or herself through tv, the phone, or by ignoring the bad behavior. Teach your child appropriate emotional responses through respect and engaging with you. Some ways to promote good behavior is by putting your child on a routine, giving them responsibilities, and offering sensible consequences to misbehavior. I would recommend the book if you are struggling with a misbehaving child and find yourself in an angry parenting mood. Garcia does offer several great points on how to stay calm through the child’s misbehavior.
FYI, I found this book for free on the kindle and thought, “Hey, why not read it.” It is now, $7.99.