Y’all, there is a stomach bug going around something fierce. Let me tell you, it hit hard last week. That’s why I didn’t blog. If you had seen me the Sunday morning after Cinco de Mayo, you would have thought, “Good golly! What kind of celebrating was she doing?” The stomach bug hit me Saturday evening and I was up being thoroughly “cleansed” all night into Sunday morning. There was a two hour span where I thought I might’ve needed to go to the hospital for medicine to calm my nausea and gut. I couldn’t keep any thing down or in.
I lost 8 pounds overnight and a couple more during the week from appetite loss. Then the kids got it on Tuesday. Luckily, it was no where near as bad as my version. SassyPants spent a few hours throwing up every hour or so. Happy Pants threw up a few times and had a few blow out diapers. He mainly went off of all foods and his medical formula. It wasn’t a surprise when he blood level results came back higher than normal. We are still struggling with him re-gaining his appetite back.
So, I really needed some R&R for Mother’s Day this Sunday. I didn’t get it; but I did go to the beach with Hubby and the kids. I struggle celebrating Mother’s Day, honestly. I’m no where near the mother I want to be, or thought I would be. I don’t feel like I should be celebrated. I’m not worthy of it. Up until my son was born, I didn’t feel that way. However, dealing with his special needs leaves me exhausted and short tempered. I once had more patience with my daughter and her needs. Now I find myself becoming angry, snapping, and sometimes yelling at her; not choosing my words as well. It seems like she chooses the absolute worse time to misbehave. Which results in me saying something such as: “Can’t you go away?! You’re being a distraction! Go to your room!” Before hand, I would figure out the root cause of the misbehavior, help her understand why she should act differently, lovingly give her a consequence, and move on from the situation. I struggle with taking the time to do that now. I feel stretched in so many directions as it is. I feel saddened that I dread 7am wake up time. The morning chaos of feeding them, dressing them, and rounding them up to leave for school on time. On a good week, I get a two hour break to workout twice a week. (Usually its only once a week and I might get a day or two to run while push HappyPants.) I miss getting actual alone time. I have to wake up at 5am just to have an hour of alone time. By 6am I’m gathering SassyPants’s school materials, prepping lunch, eating my breakfast, and doing anything to get us out of the door on time. I dread noon, because I have to pick SassyPants up from school and deal with the chaos of lunch and nap. Two tired and hungry kids dealing with a tired and hungry mom. Kids refusing food, refusing naps…its all too much for me. On bad days, where I haven’t been able to workout and have that break is experiencing nails on a chalkboard to me. I’m so short tempered and cannot gracefully deal with SassyPants refusing to eat or whining about lunch or nap. We have the same routine, you know what’s next…don’t complain about it! The relief I feel once I have them down is shameful to me. Then the dread once nap time is over and the countdown until Hubby gets home so I can have a little help with them. I used to not feel this way. I used to miss SassyPants during school and nap time. I took pleasure in making her lunch into funny faces or shapes. When she refused something I made, I would calmly tell her to try it or she could eat it for supper. There wasn’t a big fuss. Now I just take it up with “Fine, you can starve. Go get ready for nap.” I wonder where did my joy go? How can I find it? Why do I have so much angst inside me? It makes me feel guilty and shameful. So when there is a holiday to celebrate me being an amazing mom; and I feel anything but that. It’s hard to want to celebrate that. To celebrate all I really want is time away from them, to not hear them, to actually be able to do something fun and carefree. I stay up late to actually be able to publish a blog post, watch a tv show, or read a book for me. And I regret it the next morning because I’m so tired. Plus, its starting the entire cycle all over again. Mother’s Day isn’t a day for me any more. I hear the many reasons why SassyPants loves me, directly from her. I spend the day with the family and accept their gifts. All the while feeling undeserving of such gifts and love. I’m sure I’m not the only mom out there that feels this way. And I don’t have some feel good solution to help. I just have the voice to say, you are not alone. I hope one day we can feel peace with our motherhood and happily celebrate Mother’s Day again.
To close this post, I have to let you know I will be taking a month long hiatus from blogging. The internet is being turned off, we’re packing our bags, and moving to our new house. Of course, I need time to unpack and have the internet connected again. I can’t wait to get back!
Much love, readers!