It’s been seven months since my last post. I was taking a one month hiatus to focus on moving back to Auburn and settling in. I don’t know how to fully explain the reason of taking seven months off; other than, a lot has changed. As always, I’ve expressed my “open book” policy while blogging. I’ve shared my difficult and raw moments of motherhood and fitness. However, I’ve been extremely closed off about elaborating the details of being a wife. Mainly due to my husband’s wishes of keeping that area of our lives private, as it involves him. He is a “private guy” and “people just don’t need to know that”. As I come from the opinion of, if you aren’t open with your struggles or victories; you don’t grow. You will never learn how to overcome your struggles if you don’t seek solutions. If people were not open about how they overcame their struggles, it would prevent others from being able to do the same. That’s how you grow as an individual and couple. You have to seek advice from others that have experienced the same struggle and overcame it.

So here is the change… He divorced me.

I’m not sure I can fully express the multitude of emotions I’ve felt these past seven months, and even now. Shock, failure, shame, embarrassment, grief, anger, disappointment, worry, sorrow, fear…the list could go on.

I basically hid from my blog because I was ashamed to admit the dysfunction within my marriage, and then, my failed marriage. I had hoped if I didn’t say anything publicly, that we would come back together and sweep everything under the rug.

Mistake number one within the marriage: help sweep the dysfunction under the proverbial rug and still hope to find happiness.

This is why I’m blogging about it now. One, to foster change in someone else struggling as a wife or husband. Two, as a way for me to heal from this experience. Three, to not repeat the same mistakes and help someone not to make the same mistakes.

The blog will not be totally about this. I’m still finding my way as a single mom. I will eventually have to “get back out there” to find the kind of love that I deserve. Which I’m sure will be hilarious since dating as changed so much since I was nineteen. My adventure of finding a job after being a homemaker for six years. I’m still passionate about fitness and how to apply that to my new normal. I’ll still post recipes that I’ve turned into healthier versions. And I will no longer hide in shame for who I am. I’m going to stumble, fall flat onto my face, laugh at my mistakes, learn from my mistakes, and grow in all aspects in my life. I want you to be there with me through it all! Encourage me, laugh with me (maybe at me), and call me out on my faults. I know I’m not perfect.


A Cleanse & Hiatus

Y’all, there is a stomach bug going around something fierce. Let me tell you, it hit hard last week. That’s why I didn’t blog. If you had seen me the Sunday morning after Cinco de Mayo, you would have thought, “Good golly! What kind of celebrating was she doing?” The stomach bug hit me Saturday evening and I was up being thoroughly “cleansed” all night into Sunday morning. There was a two hour span where I thought I might’ve needed to go to the hospital for medicine to calm my nausea and gut. I couldn’t keep any thing down or in.

I lost 8 pounds overnight and a couple more during the week from appetite loss. Then the kids got it on Tuesday. Luckily, it was no where near as bad as my version. SassyPants spent a few hours throwing up every hour or so. Happy Pants threw up a few times and had a few blow out diapers. He mainly went off of all foods and his medical formula. It wasn’t a surprise when he blood level results came back higher than normal. We are still struggling with him re-gaining his appetite back.

So, I really needed some R&R for Mother’s Day this Sunday. I didn’t get it; but I did go to the beach with Hubby and the kids. I struggle celebrating Mother’s Day, honestly. I’m no where near the mother I want to be, or thought I would be. I don’t feel like I should be celebrated. I’m not worthy of it. Up until my son was born, I didn’t feel that way. However, dealing with his special needs leaves me exhausted and short tempered. I once had more patience with my daughter and her needs. Now I find myself becoming angry, snapping, and sometimes yelling at her; not choosing my words as well. It seems like she chooses the absolute worse time to misbehave. Which results in me saying something such as: “Can’t you go away?! You’re being a distraction! Go to your room!” Before hand, I would figure out the root cause of the misbehavior, help her understand why she should act differently, lovingly give her a consequence, and move on from the situation. I struggle with taking the time to do that now. I feel stretched in so many directions as it is. I feel saddened that I dread 7am wake up time. The morning chaos of feeding them, dressing them, and rounding them up to leave for school on time. On a good week, I get a two hour break to workout twice a week. (Usually its only once a week and I might get a day or two to run while push HappyPants.) I miss getting actual alone time. I have to wake up at 5am just to have an hour of alone time. By 6am I’m gathering SassyPants’s school materials, prepping lunch, eating my breakfast, and doing anything to get us out of the door on time. I dread noon, because I have to pick SassyPants up from school and deal with the chaos of lunch and nap. Two tired and hungry kids dealing with a tired and hungry mom. Kids refusing food, refusing naps…its all too much for me. On bad days, where I haven’t been able to workout and have that break is experiencing nails on a chalkboard to me. I’m so short tempered and cannot gracefully deal with SassyPants refusing to eat or whining about lunch or nap. We have the same routine, you know what’s next…don’t complain about it! The relief I feel once I have them down is shameful to me. Then the dread once nap time is over and the countdown until Hubby gets home so I can have a little help with them. I used to not feel this way. I used to miss SassyPants during school and nap time. I took pleasure in making her lunch into funny faces or shapes. When she refused something I made, I would calmly tell her to try it or she could eat it for supper. There wasn’t a big fuss. Now I just take it up with “Fine, you can starve. Go get ready for nap.” I wonder where did my joy go? How can I find it? Why do I have so much angst inside me? It makes me feel guilty and shameful. So when there is a holiday to celebrate me being an amazing mom; and I feel anything but that. It’s hard to want to celebrate that. To celebrate all I really want is time away from them, to not hear them, to actually be able to do something fun and carefree. I stay up late to actually be able to publish a blog post, watch a tv show, or read a book for me. And I regret it the next morning because I’m so tired. Plus, its starting the entire cycle all over again. Mother’s Day isn’t a day for me any more. I hear the many reasons why SassyPants loves me, directly from her. I spend the day with the family and accept their gifts. All the while feeling undeserving of such gifts and love. I’m sure I’m not the only mom out there that feels this way. And I don’t have some feel good solution to help. I just have the voice to say, you are not alone. I hope one day we can feel peace with our motherhood and happily celebrate Mother’s Day again.

To close this post, I have to let you know I will be taking a month long hiatus from blogging. The internet is being turned off, we’re packing our bags, and moving to our new house. Of course, I need time to unpack and have the internet connected again. I can’t wait to get back!

Much love, readers!

April Showers Brought May Allergies

Welcome to May! No JT May memes on this post. Sorry to disappoint. This month is extremely important to me: PKU Awareness Month! My son, Mr. HappyPants, was born with Phenylketonuria or PKU for short.

So this month I will be posting a little something about PKU on every blog post to help educate my new followers.

Last week I explained that at HappyPants last genetic clinic appointment, his geneticist discovered HappyPants had a heart murmur. We were shocked since our Pediatrician never spoke of this to us during regular well visits. After a pediatrician visit last week to confirm this murmur, we had a pediatric cardiologist specialist appointment this morning at 8:30.

{If you’re a mom of more than one kid, I’m sure you understand when I say making that appointment was stressful. It was on a sizable hospital campus with minimally labeled buildings. Although I arrived onto the campus with 30 minutes to spare, I still arrived late to the appointment because I couldn’t find the dang building. SassyPants had to miss school because I didn’t have anyone to take her. Unfortunately Hubby was wrapped up in work meetings and couldn’t help either. By noon I was emotionally wiped out and totally finished “people-ing” for the day. I put the kids down for nap and was too tired to eat, although I was starving. I ate a handful of popcorn and three ham and cheese rolls for lunch. I had a terrible headache and decided to lay down. Thank goodness I sat an alarm because I took a two hour nap.}

So, HappyPants cooperated through a blood pressure vitals check, EKG, ultrasound, and echocardiogram. The nurses and technicians were shocked at how mild mannered he was for all of the tests. The cardiologist explained that HappyPants has Peripheral Pulmonary Stenosis. Basically, where the pulmonary artery branches in two, HappyPants’s narrows. The cardiologist determined the narrowing is not severe; but on the low side of moderate. He said normally this would never be an issue for HappyPants. However, because it seems the murmur was suddenly detected and not detected earlier (like most cases); the cardiologist was worried that the narrowed branches may not be growing at the same rate as with HappyPants’s heart. This is where complications arise for HappyPants. The cardiologist wants to re-evaluate the narrowing and growth rate in six months. If it appears that the narrowed branches are not growing at the same rate as the heart, the heart will be working more to keep up with HappyPants’s activity. Potentially HappyPants will need to undergo some type of procedure to widen the narrowed areas to relieve the heart. The severity of the procedure would be dependent on the amount narrowing, the locations of the narrowing, and the heart itself. The cardiologist is optimistic that the reason the murmur was not detected sooner is because HappyPants always has some congestion and raspy breathing; masking the murmur sound. {What can I say? We basically have year round allergies living here. Pollen is everywhere all the time.} I am hoping this is the case and HappyPants isn’t affected by this at all.

As a parent to an already special needs little boy, hearing this news to wait six months for more information on the issue wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. Of course I wanted to hear, “Hey, this is super minor and will clear up on its own as the heart develops more. No worries!” I am thankful the cardiologist was honest with me and didn’t brush off any future complications. I find doctors do that quite often and you find yourself years later wondering what in the world happened when a complication never discussed with you happens.

I’m also hoping both kids’ allergies will clear up soon. They have this terrible hacking cough that chokes them up. I need to be more consistent on running with the 10k coming up in 19 days. But I feel bad running them all over the place making their allergies worse. Maybe next week I can get to the gym more than once, unlike the last several weeks. It’s so frustrating to want to workout; but not be able too because of…LIFE.

Bye Bye Bye

The month of April is quickly ending…then…

I’m sorry! I had to do that! May, for me, means moving month. It’s going to be busy. I haven’t blogged in a month. First of all, I didn’t even realize it had been that long. I thought it was just a couple of weeks. Secondly, April has been a busy month as well.

It began with a trip to Atlanta to meet with my son’s Geneticist and Dietician. Since it was Easter, we decided to make it special and take the kids to the Georgia Aquarium. I knew SassyPants would love it. She loves the movies Finding Nemo and Finding Dory. HappyPants surprised me by having so much fun too.

During HappyPant’s appointment, the Geneticist pointed out that he had a heart murmur. This was news to us! The Geneticist suggested going to our Pediatrician to have it confirmed and refer HappyPants to a Pediatric Cardiologist for an echocardiogram. Yesterday, SassyPants woke up with a nasty cough from her on going allergies. (The pollen count is insane in Savannah right now.) Because this is an on going issue, I decided to bring her to the Pediatrician to document it and have her tonsils checked out. (Which I will elaborate on more in a bit.) While there, the Pediatrician asked about HappyPant’s Geneticist appointment. I told him about the heart murmur, which was news to our Pediatrician. He listened to HappyPant’s heart and confirmed a murmur. The office set up an appointment with a Pediatric Cardiologist for the earliest appointment, which is next week. In the mean time, I had to have chest x-rays made before the appointment. That’s what I spent my morning doing. I wasn’t given any information regarding the x-rays; but was asked several questions about frequent congestion and breathing patterns.

{I’m not even going to try to hide the fact that this has me scared, stressed, worried, and an emotional basket case.}

Now to elaborate on SassyPant’s tonsils. Two weeks ago, she had a dentist appointment. Her hygienist asked if SassyPant’s tonsils are always enlarged, because she’s noticed them every time she sees her. The hygienist then asked more questions regarding SassyPant’s behavior, breathing, sickness/allergy frequencies, sleeping patterns, and bathroom habits. Needless to say, the answers pointed the hygienist to suggest to us to have a discussion with her pediatrician to check out the tonsils and adenoids and to refer us to an ENT. Well, that happened yesterday. Our Pediatrician agreed that SassyPants needed to be referred to an ENT; however, that wouldn’t be possible in our moving time frame of a month. So he suggested that when we moved, to immediately find a pediatrician, request her files from his office, and the new pediatrician will see his recommendation for her to see an ENT. So much to look forward too!

Since SassyPant’s allergies are bothering her so much, I made her sit out karate today. I was trying to keep things as normal as possible until our move for her. Transitions can be so hard on her. But today I realized I just couldn’t do that and remain sane. For my own mental health, I had to cut her karate classes out for next month. We had been missing several from April with our travels. I knew May wouldn’t be any different. She cried about it this evening. She mainly wanted to be able to tell her friends and coach goodbye. She has so much love to give!

Speaking of travels, the week after Easter, we moved a bunch of our un-used stuff into our new house. (Read as: Holiday decorations and accent furniture.) During that same weekend, Hubby’s Grandmother left this Earthly home to join her Husband in their Heavenly home. We extended our stay in Alabama for the arrangements. While we were there, we found out a part had went out on our hot water tank. We didn’t have hot water for the stay. And as I was driving to Alabama, a rock hit my windshield and cracked it. That trip just did not get better. I guess you can say April has been one trying time after another.

Even in all the chaos, Hubby and I still managed to have some fun. A few months ago I saw an ad for a 90s themed bar crawl in the downtown area. I thought, “Oh that would be fun! I haven’t been to a single bar establishment the nearly four years I’ve lived here.” (Yeah, I’m a big ball of fun once the sun goes down…if you count snuggling in my bed reading or asleep by 10 fun.) So we decided to do it. Let’s revisit the 90s and be old enough to drink alcohol while doing it!

I surprised myself on all of the songs I can still sing from the 90s. I also know quite a few of the dance moves from the boy bands and pop princesses. It was nostalgic. I also enjoyed being carefree for a few hours. I don’t know how, but I managed to stay away until 2am. I learned a few things the next morning though. 1) I need adequate sleep. 2) Parenting the next day after a night of partying like it was 1999 is difficult. 3) Hubby is no longer the party animal he once was and had a much worse time recovering that next day. 4) I really enjoyed dressing like the 90s again.

90s grunge, of course. You should hear my running playlist. It’s a lot of Pearl Jam, Bush, Weezer, Nirvana, and etc. It was a fun night. Plus, SassyPants finally got her wish. Our neighbor, who SP thinks is her best friend, had a sleep over with her. Dream come true for that little girl. It’s all I’ve heard from her this week. Small experiences like that mean the world to SP.

I have so much to look forward to in May. First, May is PKU awareness month. Get ready to be educated. Second, I have less than a month to train for my 10k I signed up for…the weekend before our final move. (I’m slightly regretting that decision. Much like the bar crawl, I envisioned myself running marathons and races while living here and didn’t do it.) Third, SassyPants’s 5th birthday is 11 days away. Cue frantic party planner mom. Lastly, I’m not going to have very much furniture in this house for a party. Haha!

I think I’ve summarized this month of April for you pretty well. My 10 pm bedtime just rolled around…time to check my eyelids for light leaks.

Mundane Moments

Here is a little acrostic poem for you:

L – Loath

A – Adversary

U – Unending

N – Necessary

D – Dreary

R – Repetitive

Y – Yawn

If you couldn’t tell, today was laundry day.

The above is a true depiction of me this morning motivating myself to fold the laundry. I needed an empty basket to hold more clothes that needed washing. I feel the same way towards dishes. The constant rinsing, loading, unloading, drying, and putting away…every day, multiple times a day. And that’s what I’ve been doing.

We’ve also been packing up some of our stuff so we can sell some furniture that will not go with the new house decoration theme. You know, we’ve just been having loads of fun around here. Haha!

SassyPants cannot figure out why I call her SassyPants. She’s informed me she likes it when I call her Sweetie Pie and her brother Cutie Pie. Yet, this is the same child that told me this morning:

SP – “Well, you need to hurry and finish doing my hair.”

Me – “Why’s that Sweetie?”

SP – “I’m hungry, that’s why!”

The kid likes to live dangerously, I guess. In all honesty, she’s a great kid. She gets the sass naturally and I have to laugh about it sometimes. Like this morning, she was just being to the point about being hungry for those blueberry waffles waiting for her. She makes up for it when she tells me she loves being a big sister. She has so many things she wants to share with her Cutie Pie as he grows. Just the other day I was folding laundry upstairs and they were playing with the kitchen set. She says, “Here you go, Buddy, I made you a low pro (low protein) cake.” And hands him a plate with a donut on it.

Man, my heart almost exploded with love and happiness!

Those moments make the tough ones worth it all. And I guess I can owe witnessing that moment to the tedious laundry chore.

Avoiding Laundry

Oh, to be like Samantha from Bewitched or Jeannie from I Dream Jeannie. I just want to be able to twitch my nose or blink my eyes with a nod and have the laundry done. That’s what I’ve done all day. I was so busy last week that I wasn’t able to keep up with the laundry (or the rest of my housework). Then we went out of town and brought all of that laundry home. I have a mountain on the bed that needs sorting, folding, and/or hung up. Yet here I am, typing this post instead. No, I’m not procrastinating until Hubby comes home and helps me with it.

Yeah, maybe a little. In my defense, I had the floors swept and mopped, carpet vacuumed, and playroom organized before 7 this morning. I also unloaded, reloaded, and unloaded the dishwasher today. I wasn’t able to workout yesterday or today. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I scheduled Mr. HappyBottom’s 18 month wellness appointment during my WOD class. The pediatrician is a 30 minute drive, one way; so I couldn’t get back in time for my other class either. (To be honest, I barely arrived on time to pick SassyPants up from school!) Since I was gone all morning, then had karate in the evening; I didn’t accomplish much housework. Which is the reason I decided to come back home after dropping SP off at school.

I realized at Mr. HB’s pediatrician appointment that it was our last one with this doctor. His next checkup won’t be until September for his two year old wellness. We will be moved by then! It’s really hitting me that: 1) This move to Auburn is really happening. 2) This move to Auburn is happening really quick. 3) I need to find a new pediatrician, dentist, therapists, etc. 4) I need suggestions for those things!

Over this St. Patrick’s Day weekend, everyone was driving to Savannah to party, we were driving out of town to buy our house. We do this on purpose after our first St. Patrick’s Day experience here. We didn’t even venture to the downtown/parade area; but traffic was terrible everywhere. We decided then and there, we would be going out of town in the future.

Both Hubby and I’s ancestry is Irish, so we had to celebrate a little. In Auburn, there is this amazing restaurant called Acre. The special was shepherd’s pie. Absolutely amazing!! And I’ve had my fair share of shepherd’s pie while living in Savannah. I have this thing where I always try Shrimp and Grits or Shepherd’s Pie at places. Acre didn’t disappoint with either dish. (Now you know why I workout so hard. It’s to control my eating habit.)

It’s a real struggle!

I think I’ve procrastinated late enough, that it will be socially acceptable to not fold my laundry and put them back in the basket until tomorrow. Hey, at least we have clean clothes to wear…they’re just going to be wrinkly.

Wheeew, wheeeew!

Well, it finally happened today…After 13 years of driving…I got a speeding ticket. (I’ll save you the math, I didn’t begin driving by myself until I turned 18. To answer the next three common questions: Why did you wait so long? My parents wouldn’t allow me. Why? I don’t have a clue. Wasn’t that embarrassing? Yes, especially since I was one of the oldest kids in my grade.) I wish I had a dollar every time someone asked me those questions…I could probably pay this ticket! Haha!

This meme kinda makes the rough start to the morning a little funny. What kills me is that I really don’t speed. Don’t get me wrong, I go the speed limit and some times I find myself creeping up going 5 over the speed limit. However, I’m not someone who continually speeds 10-15 over. To put the cherry on top, I hardly ever take the interstate to my daughter’s school because the merging area is extremely congested. So what made me decide to take the interstate today? Experiences from last week. One day I had an old lady in front of me driving all over BOTH lanes of traffic. She couldn’t keep her speed consistent and she hit the curb/ran off the road several times. At first I thought she was a drunk driver (at 8:30am) or texting/playing on the phone. When I was finally able to pass her, I saw she was elderly and she came over into my lane. Then, the next day or so, I was pulling out of my driveway and had to wait on a speeding school bus to drive by. The bus then slowed down below the 25mph speed limit until it reached a side street. I thought it was going to turn down it to pick up some kids. No, it just blocked the entire lane of the road and sat there with its flashers and “do not pass” sign out…for nearly 10 minutes…waiting on a kid and mom/grandma (I’m not sure) to walk to the bus. (Do you know what my bus would have done if I wasn’t standing by the road? Leave my ass! Never in my life have I had a school bus WAIT on me for 10 minutes! Shoot, there were several times I watched the school bus drive past me standing there.) Guess what?! That made me late dropping SP off to school and getting me to my workout. The next day after that, I was driving back from picking SP up and a loving truck had dropped several large pieces of pine tree in the road, prompting people to jerk over in front of the people driving next to them. I had enough driving that road!

And that’s why, this morning, when the school bus drove past my house as I was backing out of the garage; I decided to go the interstate. Bad decision. Honestly, I’m just glad SP didn’t shout “My Momma was going pedal to the metal!” She’s been doing that for a few weeks now and has Hubby convinced I speed everywhere.

Hubby is understandably frustrated at me. I mean, my careless driving just gave us an extra $250-$275 bill to pay. (Let’s hope he pays it or they’ll issue a warrant out for my arrest!) I don’t think he’s that frustrated at me.

Today was one of those days where I really needed to work out my frustrations in the gym. I wasn’t able to go today because I had to run some errands that are easier to do minus one kid. I’ll be ready to hit the gym tomorrow morning though.

I’m trying to be more positive. So, tomorrow is a chance to have a better day. I’ll wait until I’m at the gym to take my pre-workout.